Am I still me?
by levios
Summary: Tai has turned Matt down and Matt feels like he is loosing himself. But why is Tai sneaking around looking for Matt? And when the time comes can Matt forgive his former best friend? -Taito/Yamachi. One shot


Hi everyone!

I'm back with another Taito, or Yamachi. I am not really sure..

Anyhow, I'm not sure how I feel about this. In one way it might be rushed, in another I feel like it is way longer than I indended..

Please let me know what you think! ^^

Happy new year to you all! :)

I **don't** own Digimon.

* * *

It's strange, isn't it? How fast life changes. One day you're a guy like any other, the other you're a freak no one wants to talk to. And when I say no one, I mean no one.

I would have thought my friends would be more understanding. Especially my best friend.. But he turned his back on me like everybody else.

I told him nothing would change, I am still me, but apparently I was wrong. Everything has changed and I am certainly not me anymore

I used to be someone who loved singing. Someone who loved music and being on a stage. Nowadays it's a torture. A pain. I can't write songs and I can barely sing. My fans can't tell the difference but I can.

I've never been good with people, but after the events in the digital world I learned how much easier life is with friends. I never wished to be left alone again. The way I do know.

None of my current "friends" are real. I don't have any friends anymore. I've never had a proper family, but I used to at least have Takeru. I don't think he hates me now, but he's too scared to get into an argument with his girlfriend to talk to me. I'm not really sure if it is Kari who minds though, I always saw her as a pretty understanding girl. Maybe I was wrong, or maybe she is influenced by someone else.

I have changed a lot. I even wear make up to school, only dark eyeliner though. My hair is more styled than ever and I never wear anything but the tightest and darkest trousers I can find.

But my clothes, my worsening singing, even my change of friends isn't what's worst.

I could live with all the changes. Everything. If I only had him. The reason all of this started. That brainless guy who have destroyed my life forever. Tai Kamiya.

* * *

"Ishida! Where are you going?"

It is one of my new band mates who calls for me but I can't care less about it. I want away, away from it all.

"Come on, he was only joking. Don't take it so hard." He says trying to reach out for my arm.

I take a step away and turn around, away from him. I don't want to show him I care.

"Haft of the band is gay. I don't know why you care so much about it anyway."

It is true. But he still hadn't called any of the other guys a drag queen in front of the whole school. I can't see why he would single me out anyway? I am probably the one who dress best in the band but I am in no aspect feminine. I would like to see the girl who could pull off these tight jeans and this revealing shirt.

"I don't give a shit about what he thinks or not." I tell him. It's true I don't. But it's not true it doesn't affect me.

"Come on Ishida, we are supposed to be your friends, right?"

"Right? You were the only laughing the highest." I say coldly.

"Whatever. Just wanted you to know we're having a party to celebrate our gig tonight. Feel free to show up, you know neither of us mind you being you. Usual time and place. "

If that would've been true it would've been nice. The problem was that the "me" he was referring to was the mask I was putting up with in school. The cold, emotionless Yamato Ishida who cared about his looks more than anything else.

That isn't me. Still, not even I know who is "me" anymore. So how can I blame them?

* * *

I really don't know why I chose to turn up. Maybe 'cause I didn't want to look like a coward hiding at home after what had happened at the gig.

"You came!" Nick greets me. He is the only one who still has some sense in the band, in my opinion. And he is also the only one who had known about my sexuality before it got to the world.

"Yeah. Been here long?" I ask, taking the glass he offers me.

"Some hours, you're awfully late." He looks at me questionably.

"I wasn't gonna show up." I answer truthfully.

He looks away and take a sip at the drink he is holding. What I like about Nick is that he is calm, reasonable and smart. He is good looking as well. His dark short hair matches his dark blue eyes perfectly. He is perfect, in every aspect. Why couldn't I be in love with him? I should be. I really should be, he is the perfect choice. Unfortunately, my heart don't give a shit about what is "right", that's for sure.

"He was here." Nick says suddenly.

"Huh? Who was here?" I ask coming out of my thoughts.

"He. I don't think anyone else noticed though. It was a quick visit, he came in looked around and got out. Didn't talk to anyone or order anything."

"What are you talking about?" I ask again feeling a bit at unease.

"I'm saying Tai Kamiya was here, most likely to look for his former best friend." He looks me in the eyes before I brake the contact.

"Bullshit. He despise me, remember? Why would he come looking for me?"

"You got no evidence he does anything of the case. You didn't really make it easy for him telling him you love him in front of the whole soccer team, how was he supposed to react? They are all homophobes there, don't you know? He even had a girlfriend then!"

"What do you mean "then"? I ask trying not to remember the embarrassing incident.

"Tai broke up with Sora last week, leaving her heartbroken. They had been dating for over a year."

That was new. I thought they were doing good. That explain Sora's heartbroken looks the past days.

"Matt, have you even tried to talk to him since then?" He says when I don't answer.

"No. And I will not. He said enough then."

"Didn't you see him earlier today? He was one out of the very few who wasn't laughing at you at the gig. He's been sneaking around our band local for days and today he comes searching for you here."

"You don't know that. He might have other reasons for coming here."

"To a gay club?"

I don't answer. It does seem a but suspicious that my homophobic, former best friend would come to a gay club I must admit.

"Are you sure it was him, Nick?"

"More than sure. I would recognize that amount of hair everywhere! It was no question. The only question is what you are going to do about it?"

* * *

So here I am. Outside Tai Kamiya's house. The place that used to be a place for happiness has suddenly turned to a place of fear. I don't even know what I'm doing here. Tai has hurt me enough, hasn't he? Why am I giving him another chance? If he wanted to find me he could just get home to me. Still, that might not be the best option. I still live with my dad and when he's drunk he's actually pretty dangerous if you don't know how to handle him. And judging by the past, Tai doesn't.

But still, he could have just called. But well, I probably wouldn't have picked up. I hate arguing over the phone and Tai out of all people should know that.

Okay, so maybe I'm not the easiest person to reach but that doesn't explain almost a month avoiding from his side. Does it?

Argh, this is not good. It's way to late to come visit anyway. I don't know what I am doing here. I should leave. But before I could turn around the front door opens.

"Matt!" Someone shouts. I turn around and come face to face with my little brother.

"Have you seen Tai?" Kari says quickly, clearly not surprised at all that I am here.

I can't help feel a bit taken aback with the way they act. We haven't spoken for weeks, what about "hi Matt, how are you doing?". Still, I suppose they know the answer to that since the entire school is aware of my depression right now..

"What happened?" I say at least and look away from Kari's worriedly looking eyes.

"Tai left to search for you hours ago and still hasn't returned. He promised he would text Kari when he found you but we've heard nothing. We've tried to text him and call him but he doesn't respond."

"Have you any idea were he might be?" Kari asks, now with tears in her eyes.

"I still haven't been home. Maybe he is there. I'll keep looking for him 'til I find him and when I do I'll text you, okay? You stay home and if he's not found tomorrow morning we could all go searching for him then."

T.K and Kari aren't kids anymore but I still feel it's my responsibility to take care of them. Besides, if Tai went looking for me it's up to me to find him.

* * *

When I reach the apartment door I hear yelling. I run to the door and is surprised to find it open. I swing it open just as I hear a slam in the kitchen. When I rush in I find my dad aiming a fierce punch at Tai's stomach. Tai's an athlete but he has never been a good fighter.

I freeze for a brief moment before I enter the room. They don't notice me but when my dad takes a vase from the table and attempts to throw it at Tai I scream. My dad turns around and looks at me, still blinded with anger.

"Dad. You've had enough fighting for tonight. Lets get you to bed." I say calmly. My dad slowly approaches me, lifting his hand to give me a hit. I take the hand firmly and look him in the eyes coldly.

"Do as I say. Bed. Now."

My voice is dark and strong. I don't usually get angry but when I do, not even my drunken dad dares to argue. He has experienced my blows before which probably will keep him from getting in another fight with me for awhile.

I am right. Luckily he hasn't had too much to drink and takes the right decision to walk out. I hear the door to his bedroom slam and I let out a breath I haven't known I held.

I gesture to Tai to get into my room. No matter what, I really don't have the energy for a fight with my dad tonight and it is safer behind locked doors in my bedroom than out in the kitchen.

* * *

Once inside I text T.K telling them not to worry. Then I sit down on my bed and inspect my uninvited guest. He has a few bruises on his arm and a smaller wound on his chin. They all look pretty fresh so I suppose my dad is responsible for all of them.

Still, I can't make myself feel sorry for him. Not after all pain he has put me through the past month.

"I wanted to talk to you." He says slowly.

"I've been told so." I answer as coldly as I can. I won't let away any of my feelings before I am sure what he wants.

"I suppose I've been acting like a jerk for the past month, haven't I?" He says still looking at the carpet.

"You've been acting like an asshole, you are a jerk." I answer chilly.

"Matt, I'm sorry. It was no good timing. Nor place. Nor way to say it!"

"You think I had planned it? Do you seriously think I had intended to tell you? I knew you would freak out all along. That's the reason I never told you."

Tai looks up from the floor but he still doesn't dare to look at me. He seems so small where he stands at my door, unsure of what to do or say. He passed me in length this summer but right now he seems shorter and more vulnerable than ever.

"How long have you been in love with me?" He asks suddenly.

Do you ask that to someone you have left because of it? I think not. Still, Tai does not think like normal people, he asks what he wonders and do what he feels like doing.

"Why does it matter? So you could make an even bigger foul out of me? You don't think it was enough when you shut me off that day saying you were disgusted with me and never wanted to see me again. When you said I should back of with my "fagot bacillus" so I didn't infect you."

"Matt, listen. I never meant any of that. I was scared. I was afraid of what you were saying. I wasn't think clearly."

"Don't you think I was scared? God damn Tai, do you ever think about someone else but yourself?" I shout at him. Somewhere in my mind I know he wants to apologize and I also know that I want to forgive him. He is the one who made me "me". He is the only one I feel at ease with. The one who has helped me soo much and I have trusted soo much. My anger starts to flow again.

"If you are so fucking scared Tai, what are you doing here? Why don't you go back home and hide behind your image of the school's most popular soccer player. The most popular guy ay school. And continue to grow popular while kicking on those who are not. The only thing you care about is your reputation, even if it is is me -your best friend- that you'll hurt in the process."

"Why don't you listen to me for once Matt?! I have already told you I was scared. You freaked me out when you kissed me all of sudden! I didn't think, I just reacted and if you shut up for once I could tell you why!"

I glare at him but shut my mouth. God, I have really said too much already. Why do I keep on talking?

I expect him to shout back at me but instead he lowers his head again and slowly walks to me. He sits down next to me on the bed but doesn't say anything. Well, I have said enough so I wait him out.

"Actually.." Tai says finally. "Actually, the problem wasn't you. The problem was me, is me. Some days before that I had a.. dream.. about you. It was different, very different. And it made me fear that I was.. You know.. Into guys. And more especially, into you. My best friend. I totally freaked out. I thought I could suppress the feeling. But when I saw you waiting at me at the end of the match, and with our great success and all, I couldn't help myself. I couldn't stop myself from hugging you."

"But when you kissed me in response, I don't know.. It happened so fast you know? And all I could think of was everyone looking, laughing, judging.."

"About how being with me would ruin your reputation?" I say sharply, not able to stop myself.

"Actually, I'm not that good with people. I know that's not the impression I give, but when I was younger I always felt the lonely. I had no real friends, Sora was the only friend I had before I met the rest of you. I really didn't want to go back to being the odd one out."

He suddenly moves closer to me and turns my face to face him.

"I know I have no good reason for behaving the way I did. And I don't expect you to forgive me either. I just want you to know that I'm really sorry and I will do anything to make it up to you."

I look away. It is harder than I thought to accept his apology. I wanted him to come back to me and say 'I'm sorry' but now that he does.. It's not that easy, to tell the truth it's hard. Really hard.

I am scared. Scared of being hurt again. I was about to get over him, wasn't I? Then all this pain would go away. If I forgive him now, I would only get hurt again.

"I really like you Matt. I really do. And if you chose to give me another chance I will not mess up. I realized that what others think about me doesn't matter the least, if I am not myself. And I am only myself when I am with you."

I sigh. Why couldn't he have realized this a month ago? Or did it really matter when, as long as he did? Well, then I wouldn't have doubted his words. But should I really do that now? The sincerity in his voice make me want to push him towards the madras and kiss him.

"It's getting late. You could take the bed, I will sleep on the sofa." I say. It is apparently not what he had expected since he almost stutter in response.

"Hey! I couldn't! This is your home, I'll take the sofa.."  
"No way, what if dad wakes up? You said you wanted to make it up to me, you could start now by listening to what I say." I say much more coldly than I feel.

When I have left the room and closed the door behind me I sink down to the floor. All the tension is finally getting to me. What the hell do you do when your crush is sleeping in your room, your crush that recently confessed his love to you and whom you still can't forgive? Well, crying isn't the first option that comes to mind, is it? But that is exactly what I do. I hadn't shed a tear when Tai had rejected me, when I had been made a fool of or when had lost all my friends. But I can't help it. I was prepared to be rejected, even thought I certainly hadn't expected to be rejected the way I was.. But I was not prepared for him to suddenly turn up and say he likes me. Oh god, what do I do now?

* * *

It has now been three weeks since the evening Tai confessed his love for me. You could say things is pretty much the same, but you could also say it is completely changed. There is no one that can tease me anymore, not as long as Tai is around is to say. He has taken the roll as my protector and won't let anyone say a mean word to me. I have also regained most of my friends, TK and Kari apologized right away and even Davis and Ken who I normally don't talk to very often came to me the other day. Apparently they were secretly dating and hadn't known how to tell me they were okay with it. Can't blame them though, with all the homophobes around it's not easy to tell others your have no problem with it.

Neither Sora nor Mimi talks to me though. Sora is still angry with me for "stealing Tai"" and Mimi wants to keep her friend, reasonable I guess.

About Joe and Izzy I suppose it was rather me who has kept my distance. Since they both hang around Tai, avoiding Tai had meant ignoring them as well. Therefore, when Tai started with his mission to get me to like me, they had suddenly came along.

And that leads me to where I am right now. Have I mentioned how stubborn Tai is? When he wants something, he will get it. No matter what. He follows me home every day, he lets me decide what to do (or rather what not to do) and he has even started cooking for me! (Which is a bad idea but I let him try.)

You see, after all that has happened I have still not forgiven him. Or maybe I have, but nevertheless I have not told him. Maybe I need some more time, or maybe I just like to have him passing up on me.

* * *

It's now almost Christmas and things are starting to change. I have had my two months with Tai doing everything he can to make me happy. He is the best friend ever. But somehow, I feel like I don't enjoy it as I did before. I mean, he is wonderful but I want us both to be you know? I want us to be equal. To both be able to do wrong without freaking out about it and to both be able to take care of the other, not only him taking care of me.

I think more and more about that night when Tai came to my house. I think about what he said, and didn't say. He talked about a dream, what was in that dream? Suddenly it has become very important to know.

I dream about Tai almost every night. Sometimes about us just being in a relationship, sometimes about more.

Every time I meet him after having a dream when we've done "more" I get extra nervous. I feel like I can't think and I think he has noticed as well.

He said back then that he liked me. Does he still? Does he dream about me as much as I dream about him? I have no idea. We haven't talked about neither of our feelings and it's starting to drive me insane.

I want to know. I have to know. Being friends is just not enough anymore! Just like before all of this ever happened I feel myself freaking out about keeping my feelings for him to myself. I have to tell him. And this time I will do it right.

* * *

Christmas Eve, the day of miracles they say. In a way it is, at least it sure looks like it. We have a fine winter wonderland outside with glittering snow and beautiful decorated houses everywhere. Still, none of that matters to me. My Christmas miracle should be with Tai or not at all. And as I rush to his house in the thick snow I truly hope I will finally get my miracle.

"Tai?" I say loudly when I enter his apartment. Gosh, I'm nervous. Why must it be nerve wracking telling your best friend you love him? Right, 'cause he might hate you for it and you lose him forever.

"Surprise!"

I turn around quickly and when I do I accidentally happens to push him towards the floor. The next second I find myself on the floor, over my crush, blushing furiously.

"Ehm. This wasn't what I expected to happen.. But, merry Christmas Matt! You look lovely tonight!" Tai says and blushes slightly, still laying under me.

This was certainly not what I had expected either but since I am going to confess tonight, it was a good start as to say.

"I have prepared food for you. I thought we could eat in the kitchen and maybe watch a movie afterwards?"  
That was a new, we always ate to the movie. But, yeah, it would certainly be easier to confess if he didn't have his mind on the movie.

"That'll be great." I say smiling slightly.

Tai shines up at my smile which makes me smile more. He is the cutest when he smiles like that and it is really contagious.

* * *

Tai had not only prepared food. He had decorated with flowers and candles. It is perfect, I couldn't have wished for a better place to confess.

We start to eat in silence. Tai's smile disappeared when we sat down to eat and was replaced with a more serious look. I can't decide if that's good or bad for my confession.

"Matt. Actually, I have something to ask you."

I look up from my plate.

"I know you haven't forgiven me yet and that it is my fault for not being good enough. But I don't think I could go on like this. I want you as my friend, I really do, but tonight when I was preparing for you to come I could only think of you.. "

Tai stops talking just like that. I scan him but I can't tell if he will continue or not.

"You could only think of me?.." I try to help him.

"As my date. I know it's silly considering you haven't even forgiven me but I can't help what I feel."  
He says no more. I rise from my chair. He looks like he thinks I will leave cause his face changes from nervous to terrified in less than one second. I don't though. Even though my legs barely lets me reach him. Even thought my heart is beating like crazy. Even thought I am sweating like hell right now. I will not run away.

"That is a bit silly. But not because I haven't forgiven you. Because you don't know I have forgiven you a long time ago." I take his hand in mine once I can and sit down on my knees next to him. My hand is trembling but so is his. So I guess that's even?

"I'm sorry I couldn't tell you sooner. The first anger let off pretty quickly actually, you must have noticed. But as I noticed I wasn't angry with you, I noticed something else. That it was real, or it could be real. Us, you and me. And I was scared. Scared that it would be bad but equally scared that it would be bad. I didn't want to get into a relationship with you if what we felt wasn't real and if we weren't ready. I don't want to separate from you, ever. So if we were going to start a relationship I wanted to be sure that my feelings for you were real, and yours for me. But as time went on I realized none of that matters. What happens in the future happens then you know, and I want to be with you know." I take his hand to my chest an presses it to my heart so he can feel it beating hard.

"You really think to much Matt." Tai says once he realizes I am done.

"You will have to learn me how to stop doing that then." I say and move closed to him.

He is the best looking man I have ever seen when I see him on a normal distance. He is an angel when I see him up close. His eyelashes are so long, his eyes so brown and his skin so smooth. I can't wait for him to know what happens before I kiss him. Luckily I don't think he minds 'cause as soon a my lips touch his he starts kissing me back, eagerly.

* * *

We never finished dinner night but went straight to bed. Neither of us felt the need to talk but the need for each others close company. When I finally fell asleep in his arms I felt something I hadn't felt in a long long time. I felt whole.


End file.
